lifeassandra

I’ll be honest: when I first went back to work my biggest fear wasn’t about deadlines or pumping at the office. It was this: “What if my baby loves someone else more than me?”

I returned to work just before I was six weeks postpartum, and the number one thought on my mind was: “It’s too early, I need to spend more time with him.” But life had other plans.

We’re fortunate enough to have an aunt who, even before I got married, volunteered to be our babysitter. She’s someone I’m very close to, and with three kids of her own, we trust her completely. Still, I couldn’t shake the thought:

“He’s going to be with her nine hours, four days a week until he’s in school. I’ll get three hours tops with him at home before bedtime. What if he gets attached to her? What if he loves her more?”

And then, of course, someone in the family added, “He’s going to be with her so much that he’s gonna end up calling her mom.” I immediately ran for the bathroom and ugly cried at the thought of that.

The first day I left Isaac with my aunt, I left her house ugly crying. By the time I got to work, my eyes were puffy and my face red. The first week was rough, though the intensity lessened slightly each day.

After a few months, something happened that broke me. I went to pick Isaac up after work, and he refused to come to me. He had a death grip on my aunt and wouldn’t even look at me! I chuckled and gasped playfully in front of my aunt to hide how hurt I was.

As I drove away from her house that day, I sat in the driver’s seat and cried. When I got home, Chris, my husband, asked what was wrong. I broke down again, telling him what happened. I explained that I was deeply afraid this would keep happening — that I hadn’t bonded enough with him before going back to work, that he might think my aunt was mom and I was just the caregiver.

He said to me, “You’re his mom, and he knows that. He loves you.” I wanted to believe him, but it was hard.

Then one day… he saw me walk through my aunt’s door and smiled the biggest smile at me, reaching out his little arms. Everything felt right in the world again. The relief was like an elephant lifted off my chest — I felt like I could float away in that moment.

As he’s gotten older, it’s become clear he knows who mom and dad are and is genuinely excited to see us. There are days now where he’s so thrilled to see me that he won’t even let me sit down to catch up with my aunt. He just grabs my hand and waves bye to her.

He loves my aunt and her family, and I love the bond they’re building together. And it’s become more and more clear that this bond doesn’t take away from the bond my husband and I share with Isaac. He loves his Mama and Dada, and nothing will change that.

Have you ever worried about your child bonding too much with a caregiver? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your experiences! But remember… your baby will always know who mom is ❤️